This, That and the other

Codepenency Continued

2011-02-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

My life is crazy, and I'm partially if not totally to blame for it. I try to first and for most keep myself happy, but I also try to make others happy too. It's co-dependency, and it's damaging to myself, and to those around me.

It's as if I'm self sabotaging my own life.

Here I go out of my way to make sure people around me are happy, and in return, I get kicked in the gut, slapped in the face, and so on. I get really pissed off about it, but then I realize, it's my own fault. I'm trying to make someone happy that doesn't want to be. I'm exerting my energy to make someone a priority, when they won't exert the energy to make themselves a priority. Why do I do this? Bottom line, I'm not sure. I guess it's some deep seated need to make someone happy. That doesn't make it right.

Codepenency

2011-01-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

I am a co-dependent person.

I take other peoples issues, and problems, and try to fix them. In the process of doing that, i tend to alienate people, which really sucks. I alienate my own needs, and this presents it's own issues, and problems.

For the most part, it's a problem of caring, and thinking that you have more power than you do. Thinking that you have the power to make other happy, which in the grand scheme of things doesn't do anyone any good.
I don't want to control other people, but that is very much how it comes across.

It's a behavior that manifests itself deep inside you, to the point it becomes a compulsion. You find yourself not trusting people, and feeling like their actions are to blame for how you feel, which isn't the case at all. It's a matter of you wanting other people to take control, so you don't have too.

I'm learning a lot by reading a book called, Codependent No More, which is very insightful. Changing this behavior will likely take me as long as it did to develop it.

Day4

2010-12-26T18:48:00.000-08:00

Well, my head and my heart are all over the place today.

While I'd like to think that I did the right thing, I just don't know. I second guess myself, and I hate that.
What do you do though. What can you do? If I knew, I would do it.

I'm going to bed early tonight I think.

My anxiety is really bad again, and that's just no good for anyone.

Day 3

2010-12-25T02:32:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone.

It's day 3 for me. I slept ok, all things considered. I haven't heard a thing from her, and I don't suspect I will. It's been an uneasy and quiet few days. My anxiety is pretty much through the roof, and even with medication, it's pretty off the charts.

It's not easy letting go of someone you love. After years of sharing with each other, it's bitter sweet. You get use to depending on that other person. More so than you ever thought possible. With it being the holidays, it just hurts that much more. When all your friends are spending time with their loved ones, I'm alone.

I truly hate this time of year, if for nothing but that reason.

Day 2

2010-12-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

Well it's another day, and I'm holding up pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.

It's a bit liberating to realize that I'm taking control of my life again, and I'm not letting someone else pull the strings. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of letting someone who doesn't truly care about me, toy with me, and my emotions.

Short post today. That's all I've got.

Day 1

2010-12-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

Well today is day 1 on my own. I'm not going to put up with someone that wants to be verbally abusive and then try to use the excuse that they are just tired. WTF is that? I can tell you what it is. It's bullshit, and I'm done with it. Call yourself a grown woman, and then act like a child. It makes you a child.

I've resigned myself to just ignoring the problem, which in a sense is ignoring the person. I'm to nice of a person to let somebody walk all over me, and put up with it. That's over. I am in full on preservationist mode, and that is where I'm going to stay. Period.

If she wants to get her shit together, good for her, but I don't see it happening, or it would have already.

What does it all mean? Well pretty much, it means that for far to long, I've put up with far to much, and I'm over it. She has sucked the life out of me, and I'm finished.

Sometimes, you learn the hard way

2010-12-22T16:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you learn lessons the hard way. The people in life that love you the most, will hurt you the most. This isn't a lesson that I just learned, but one that I've been recently reminded of.

When asking my girlfriend where were going, I got the dreaded, " i don't want to talk about it right now". I'm not really sure if there is any way to slice that, other than negatively. What she isn't saying is killing me. At one moment, were making plans for next month, and another, were back at the I don't want to talk about it.

As you know, the relationship is complicated, at best. It's torrid with desire and passion, and it's empty, and going no where. What i once believed was an unbreakable bond, is now in doubt. A limbo that I don't want to be in. A turning point, I almost don't want to acknowledge, because I know what it means.

Looks like I just need to man up, and put an end to things. It's a point when going further, just means getting hurt more.

Maybe I was, Maybe I wasn't

2010-12-14T16:09:00.000-08:00

Well as it turns out, maybe I wasn't so far off in my assumptions yesterday. We talked briefly this morning, and then we fought for far to long. I really hate that, but at the very least, we communicated, which is still a plus as far as I'm concerned.

We exchanged blows back and forth, said a few things that needed to be said, and that was that.

I think in the grand scheme of things, it helped. It got a few things out in the open that we probably both should have said, but never did. I think in a round about way, it's made us closer.

I don't like the fighting, and neither does she, but it had to be done. It's just another hurdle in this race we call life.

Lesson learned

2010-12-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

Much can be learned through the mistakes of others. I've often heard this said before, but I think that one learns more from their own mistakes, sometimes with painful consequences.

Take myself for instance, hopelessly in love with the most wonderful of women. There are several miles between us, which makes it harder than most relationships. The distance between two hearts is often greater than the geography would show. Between the two, it's damn tough. Tougher than i ever imagined it could be.

With that said, I did a terribly stupid thing the other night. I assumed. Thats right, mad an ass of myself, and assumed that something i saw was about me, and it wasn't. I over re-acted, jumped to conclusions, and really hurt the woman i love. It's not easy to say that, or type it, but it's what I did, and I can't take it back.

She pointed out to me that I could have handled the situation much better than i did, and she was right. I could have done a lot of other things. I could have gone for a walk, thought it over, and waited to discuss it with her. It would have saved a lot of heartache all the way around.

For me, I feel like a fool. Lesson learned. I must say i'm pretty good about not making the same mistakes repeatedly.

I asked her if were ok now, and I got a "I reckon so", which is good enough for me.

I'm in love, and some days it's not easy, but I wouldn't change it for anything.