My life is crazy, and I'm partially if not totally to blame for it. I try to first and for most keep myself happy, but I also try to make others happy too. It's co-dependency, and it's damaging to myself, and to those around me.
It's as if I'm self sabotaging my own life.
Here I go out of my way to make sure people around me are happy, and in return, I get kicked in the gut, slapped in the face, and so on. I get really pissed off about it, but then I realize, it's my own fault. I'm trying to make someone happy that doesn't want to be. I'm exerting my energy to make someone a priority, when they won't exert the energy to make themselves a priority. Why do I do this? Bottom line, I'm not sure. I guess it's some deep seated need to make someone happy. That doesn't make it right.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Codepenency
I am a co-dependent person.
I take other peoples issues, and problems, and try to fix them. In the process of doing that, i tend to alienate people, which really sucks. I alienate my own needs, and this presents it's own issues, and problems.
For the most part, it's a problem of caring, and thinking that you have more power than you do. Thinking that you have the power to make other happy, which in the grand scheme of things doesn't do anyone any good.
I don't want to control other people, but that is very much how it comes across.
It's a behavior that manifests itself deep inside you, to the point it becomes a compulsion. You find yourself not trusting people, and feeling like their actions are to blame for how you feel, which isn't the case at all. It's a matter of you wanting other people to take control, so you don't have too.
I'm learning a lot by reading a book called, Codependent No More, which is very insightful. Changing this behavior will likely take me as long as it did to develop it.
I take other peoples issues, and problems, and try to fix them. In the process of doing that, i tend to alienate people, which really sucks. I alienate my own needs, and this presents it's own issues, and problems.
For the most part, it's a problem of caring, and thinking that you have more power than you do. Thinking that you have the power to make other happy, which in the grand scheme of things doesn't do anyone any good.
I don't want to control other people, but that is very much how it comes across.
It's a behavior that manifests itself deep inside you, to the point it becomes a compulsion. You find yourself not trusting people, and feeling like their actions are to blame for how you feel, which isn't the case at all. It's a matter of you wanting other people to take control, so you don't have too.
I'm learning a lot by reading a book called, Codependent No More, which is very insightful. Changing this behavior will likely take me as long as it did to develop it.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Day4
Well, my head and my heart are all over the place today.
While I'd like to think that I did the right thing, I just don't know. I second guess myself, and I hate that.
What do you do though. What can you do? If I knew, I would do it.
I'm going to bed early tonight I think.
My anxiety is really bad again, and that's just no good for anyone.
While I'd like to think that I did the right thing, I just don't know. I second guess myself, and I hate that.
What do you do though. What can you do? If I knew, I would do it.
I'm going to bed early tonight I think.
My anxiety is really bad again, and that's just no good for anyone.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Day 3
Merry Christmas everyone.
It's day 3 for me. I slept ok, all things considered. I haven't heard a thing from her, and I don't suspect I will. It's been an uneasy and quiet few days. My anxiety is pretty much through the roof, and even with medication, it's pretty off the charts.
It's not easy letting go of someone you love. After years of sharing with each other, it's bitter sweet. You get use to depending on that other person. More so than you ever thought possible. With it being the holidays, it just hurts that much more. When all your friends are spending time with their loved ones, I'm alone.
I truly hate this time of year, if for nothing but that reason.
It's day 3 for me. I slept ok, all things considered. I haven't heard a thing from her, and I don't suspect I will. It's been an uneasy and quiet few days. My anxiety is pretty much through the roof, and even with medication, it's pretty off the charts.
It's not easy letting go of someone you love. After years of sharing with each other, it's bitter sweet. You get use to depending on that other person. More so than you ever thought possible. With it being the holidays, it just hurts that much more. When all your friends are spending time with their loved ones, I'm alone.
I truly hate this time of year, if for nothing but that reason.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Day 2
Well it's another day, and I'm holding up pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.
It's a bit liberating to realize that I'm taking control of my life again, and I'm not letting someone else pull the strings. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of letting someone who doesn't truly care about me, toy with me, and my emotions.
Short post today. That's all I've got.
It's a bit liberating to realize that I'm taking control of my life again, and I'm not letting someone else pull the strings. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of letting someone who doesn't truly care about me, toy with me, and my emotions.
Short post today. That's all I've got.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Day 1
Well today is day 1 on my own. I'm not going to put up with someone that wants to be verbally abusive and then try to use the excuse that they are just tired. WTF is that? I can tell you what it is. It's bullshit, and I'm done with it. Call yourself a grown woman, and then act like a child. It makes you a child.
I've resigned myself to just ignoring the problem, which in a sense is ignoring the person. I'm to nice of a person to let somebody walk all over me, and put up with it. That's over. I am in full on preservationist mode, and that is where I'm going to stay. Period.
If she wants to get her shit together, good for her, but I don't see it happening, or it would have already.
What does it all mean? Well pretty much, it means that for far to long, I've put up with far to much, and I'm over it. She has sucked the life out of me, and I'm finished.
I've resigned myself to just ignoring the problem, which in a sense is ignoring the person. I'm to nice of a person to let somebody walk all over me, and put up with it. That's over. I am in full on preservationist mode, and that is where I'm going to stay. Period.
If she wants to get her shit together, good for her, but I don't see it happening, or it would have already.
What does it all mean? Well pretty much, it means that for far to long, I've put up with far to much, and I'm over it. She has sucked the life out of me, and I'm finished.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sometimes, you learn the hard way
Sometimes, you learn lessons the hard way. The people in life that love you the most, will hurt you the most. This isn't a lesson that I just learned, but one that I've been recently reminded of.
When asking my girlfriend where were going, I got the dreaded, " i don't want to talk about it right now". I'm not really sure if there is any way to slice that, other than negatively. What she isn't saying is killing me. At one moment, were making plans for next month, and another, were back at the I don't want to talk about it.
As you know, the relationship is complicated, at best. It's torrid with desire and passion, and it's empty, and going no where. What i once believed was an unbreakable bond, is now in doubt. A limbo that I don't want to be in. A turning point, I almost don't want to acknowledge, because I know what it means.
Looks like I just need to man up, and put an end to things. It's a point when going further, just means getting hurt more.
When asking my girlfriend where were going, I got the dreaded, " i don't want to talk about it right now". I'm not really sure if there is any way to slice that, other than negatively. What she isn't saying is killing me. At one moment, were making plans for next month, and another, were back at the I don't want to talk about it.
As you know, the relationship is complicated, at best. It's torrid with desire and passion, and it's empty, and going no where. What i once believed was an unbreakable bond, is now in doubt. A limbo that I don't want to be in. A turning point, I almost don't want to acknowledge, because I know what it means.
Looks like I just need to man up, and put an end to things. It's a point when going further, just means getting hurt more.
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